My heart and my brain have been too occupied with other matters to write on my blog over the past several weeks. Truth be told, it seemed too much to be bothered with when no one seemed to be reading it anyway. I gave myself permission to not say anything since there was no one listening. I had gotten into the obsessive habit of checking my stats several times daily whenever I posted, and now that I’ve lost that need to repeatedly access my worth based on the number of people who clicked on my blog, I don’t want to go back to that pitiful state.
When I started as I was saying… I didn’t have any more agenda that to get myself writing. I purposely did not choose a theme and let my words reflect whatever was on my mind. What emerged was a mélange of topics that seemed completely random, but with more in common than I would have thought. I have, without realizing it, undergone a transformation during the time I’ve been writing here. As I’ve written about politics and family relationships and food, God almost always made His presence known in the conversation. While I’ve been occupied with my never-ending self-improvement project, God has been working on my heart – quietly, unobtrusively, steadfastly. What I haven’t talked about over the past 5 months was my decision to apply to graduate school. Six months ago I would have looked at you with confusion if you told me that in January I would be going back to school. Last August when I looked into the idea of finding a spiritual director to help me make sense of my unfocused quest to do God’s will, I did not realize that God was calling me to study to fill that role myself. Little did I know that I would receive such an overwhelming amount of affirmation to my decision, most surprisingly from my husband. While I was not writing on my blog, I was filling out application forms and meeting with those who agreed to write letters of recommendation for me. I was acquiring transcripts from my long ago undergraduate days and practicing to take a grad school admission test called the MAT. I was writing application essays and learning new technology that sent all of the above forms to my new school with just a few touches of buttons on my computer. I have prayed and I have panicked, and I kept it all quiet until I found out that I was actually accepted.
So, in a few weeks, I will begin classes at the Aquinas Institute of Theology in St. Louis. I’ve signed up to go far out of my comfort zone in learning to navigate the technology of studying on-line, learning the new languages of academia and theology, and through it all, learning to let go of the reins and let God take the lead.
My new role as a student has brought about mixed emotions. I feel so humbled, so blessed, and so utterly terrified, all at the same time. I don’t know what I’ll be writing about on this blog in the future, but I hope that the loyal few of you who read my words will continue to find something worth reading and that, on good days, you’ll actually be inspired by what God speaks to you through me.