The Week magazine on the table in front of me has a headline that reads “Crushed hopes.” It’s been sitting there all week, but something about it this morning resonated. I was so excited about attending my first writers’ workshop. I really felt like I was making a bold step into realizing my dream to be a writer. But ever since I got back I haven’t been able to write. Being told that I had no voice in the tiny bit of manuscript that I submitted for evaluation, and having been told after all the years of research that I did for that manuscript, that the quilt I made using that knowledge, was at least something I could salvage from all my work, were difficult to hear. At least I had the quilt to keep it all from being a complete waste of time.
I did not expect a glowing review. I admit there are problems with the first chapter that I sent, mainly that it is just a draft, and I admit that never before had I written a synopsis. That being said, I never believed that my work would be totally trashed. But it was, and, as much as I’ve been trying to tell myself that it was just one person’s opinion, that one person’s opinion hurts – REALLY hurts. And I can’t stop myself from questioning whether or not he is right.The man who read my work is a college professor who teaches his students to be writers. It is his profession to guide and help his students discover their talents and help give them direction. He’s supposed to know what he’s talking about.
What if it isn’t God’s wish for me to be a writer, but just mine? What if I write because it feels so good to hear others’ praise? What if God’s plan has nothing to do with this, and I’ve been deluding myself? What if God has no plan for my life, and that I am too insignificant to even matter?
My faith tells me otherwise. My faith tells me that there is a higher purpose to my life, and that God gave talents and blessings to each of us that He expects us not to waste. But for now, I’m feeling a little lost. And not only have I lost my own voice, but I’m having a lot of trouble hearing His.